Archive for August, 2022

my invisible autism

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on August 31, 2022 by antonyowen

Autism for me is both ship in distress and lighthouse. I am a navigator, a captain of one amongst a crew of many. The sea is autism and the sea is deep and unpredictable. The boat is what I use to live in the majority world. In my world, ocean is not like our shared planet where oceans account for two thirds of the landscape. Oceans have not been conquered for it has not been respected enough or understood so in my world the boat is the compromise.

The deeper you explore the sea the heavier the forces become so preparation, and an understanding and respect of the complex elements are vital to exploring this beautiful invisible part of your life should you choose to look. If you choose not to then my autism is invisible but is very much a force of nature.  In your world, your boat, your preferred way of journeying is to ignore the natural elements of wind, stars and water and instead the natural to you is manmade. It is the propellor motored by an innovator, a genius, a superior, a neurotypical to aspire to.

Some people see the ocean as blue. Some people see the ocean as green with diamonds or gold at the surface inviting you to explore further beyond imagination. The truth is that many fear the ocean and see only something that might consume them yet sometimes to surface you have to submerge as surface is merely an epidermis no different to black or white skin. It is the fear we add to how we see things that make us not see it and makes it invisible. Invisibility is choosing not to look. Autism above everything is as distant as Saturn and when you think of Saturn do you think of the distance or the beauty that awaits you if you look through the voids and are then greeted by its everchanging colours and ring sequence?

Autism to me can at times feel like a pollution but not from something toxic not being in the ocean but toxic from the lack of people exploring it. Neurotypicals are fascinated by life in our universe yet indifferent to the multi-million species on it. They are largely indifferent to their own species and what makes our shared humanity a gorge separating how we co-exist in the world. Neurodiverse people have to live in your world and not vice versa. We are the chameleon to absorb your worldly colours and not vice-versa. This needs to change or a bleakness descends upon us like storm clouds.

Today is a heavy day. I am due to begin working in twenty minutes and mentally have to prepare curated approaches to possible scenarios I might face today. These are a structured conversation about business deals. I have to understand boundaries of hierarchy in management where I am the underling and must lay down a filter. The behavioural multitudes I must customise are exhausting. I feel tired.

I feel excited at speaking to new potential customers and have researched them because I want to be customer-centric. I love my job; I love my life but the most beautiful flower has the most protective stem full of thorns. These thorns leave a space in between for your fingers to navigate away from the thorns so treat it with care and don’t cut it down or keep it in a vase out from the light. Leave it to the elements. We are the elements in human forms. We are the daydreamer, the realist, the surrealist, the fighter, the frustrater, the frustrated, the loving, the guarded, the sensual creature, the roar and the purr of beast and the beatitudes so behold us.

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Adult Autism

Posted in Uncategorized on August 17, 2022 by antonyowen